I was feeling so depressed today… I’d had a bad week. A family member said some hateful things to me and I realized this relationship is irreparable. I was feeling that shame that only a family member can bring on, feelings of worthlessness and failure, those subsequent feelings when one’s buttons are pushed. Sequel is practically a walking skeleton – when I pet him I can feel all his bones through his fur, yet he still jumps and plays, but I know the end is soon near. And the last Oprah show aired. It felt like a week of loss.
So as I sat down with my chocolate sorbet from Trader Joe’s to console me as the Oprah show began, thinking what a waste of my life I’ve had and used up, I began to listen to her explain her mission; of how she wanted everyone to find their calling, to use their passion and find fulfillment in this life. And I thought to myself I haven’t wasted my life. For I’m on my own path right now doing what I know to be true to me. That can’t be a waste. I watched intently the entire hour and began to realize something. I had an aha moment during this show. All these years of watching and I never once got to a taping. My aha moment intensified as I realized why. I never tried. I thought it was an impossibility to get to Chicago from California and I never tried. I never got a friend who thought it was possible either to go with me. I can honestly say I haven’t done that on most things in my life, luckily, but I have done this on some really important moments in my life. And I considered this a really important moment.
So what do I take away from this aha moment? The idea that I CAN do it and the only one that WILL stop me is myself. I remember when I was 38 and I backpacked through Italy by myself after the end of a relationship and I stopped to visit my parents flying across the country. And my dad said, why do you have to do this? Why do you have to go? And I said, because I can and I may never get another chance. And so far I haven’t been back to Italy and I have wonderful memories of my first solo vacation. I know my father was just afraid for me and wanted to protect me, but I only saw adventure. Interestingly enough, I seem to do this periodically in my life, but not all the time. A muscle that needs to be strengthened.
This revelation will only help me to better define myself. My verbal altercation with my relative will never be resolved I realized, but I know that I gave it my all. I can’t ask any more of myself than that. I know I will grow in my communication skills, that I will grow in my faith, and I will grow in my own strength of character. And the next time I tell myself something is impossible, I’ll remember my missed opportunities. I will miss you Oprah.
From my little piece of Mayberry,